(short) The Martian ambassador
Film type: when I wote it I thought it was a comedy, but that was before I became the Martian Ambassador. Plot: Casually dressed and wishing to establish diplomatic
relations, the Martian ambassador is not allowed to enter the British embassy in Dublin.
(short) Jim Adams's Inefficient Exercise programme
Film type: Training and comedy. Plot: The idea is that young people do tasks inefficiently which gives them more excercise, so to lose weight, we should put ourselves in
an unplanned state of mind where we do physical things inefficiently, which is more interesting than repetitive exercise routines.
(short) The slab of cheese
Film type: Comedy. Plot: A man and his pregnant wife are going through a supermarket, but cannot pay for anything to eat. The man asks his wife to leave. He must do
something, and he will provide for her. He goes to the supermarket cheese counter and purchases a very large cylindrical slab of cheese. He goes away and puts it down his
track suit. He then walks to the supermarket exit with his trolley, where he has nothing to pay. He is stopped by the supermarket security man, who asks what the large bulge is.
After some conversation, he says 'It is not a slab of cheese'. The supermarket security man confronts him with the fact that he has nowhere indicated that it is a slab of cheese,
and therefore on what grounds should he assume that the person he is challenging should have come up with the idea, other than that he had a slab of cheese in his track suit?
The man assures him that he had been thinking of a work of Socrates on slabs of cheese. The supermarket security man counters that Socrates never wrote such a work. The
man reassures him that he did, and has a copy of it, which he presents to him. In shock, the supermarket security man sits down, to read the book: Socrates: Contemplations on
a Slab of Cheese. He realises it is a fake, and it is Machievelli's The Prince with a false cover. He has been duped. Looking up, he realises the the man who had stolen the cheese
is no longer there. Shouting for him to come back, he chases after him and disappears.
My polkadot T-shirt
Film type: Political documentary hidden as a parable. It could begin if, for instance, director Kevin Furber shows interest.
The discovery of happiness, I, II and III
Film type: Straight and gay porn, parody of porn and political satire. A comedy experiment taking porn seriously, as it should be. I think it would work, but the political
structure isn't there to finance it. Needs extensive further research into porn. This could be an interesting task to delegate to someone else! Fails to meet righteous expectations
about exposure on public thoroughfares, anal intercourse and group sex. Porn is a pleasurable experience. It satisfies the need of releasing us from the thought control of the
society which surrounds us, and indulging in the voyeurism of sexual experience which goes beyond the boundries of our inhibitions. Like reading a newspaper, it is
representation and not fact. Whilst maintaining its integrity as porn, a slightly new idea might be that it is combined with the expression of social and political comment, and
comedy. This interests me. The film is superficial and non-analytical. A good suggestion for anyone trying to write comedy is to study Aristophanes. All subsequent comedy
is toned down and less funny because of that. Heavy grunting does not do all it should for me. I think it can partly be edited out. A fucking sound could be the sound of a
squishy piston combined with a bit of the play doh material that produces a farting sound. This is unnatural, but if not too loud probably quite funny.
Plot: Theresa May's government's plans to nationalise reproduction fail disastrously. In filming scenes, Virgin Porn director Clark (a look-alike of Clark Gable) explains
his intentions. Are his attempts to flirt with biology student Lois doomed to failure, or will he find the right man?
Locations: Brighton, Glasgow, train from Glasgow to Manchester, train from Manchester to Pontypridd, London, Athens and Edinburgh.
The Soviet Gang-Bang Competition
Film type: Porn, instruction manual and political satire. Once again, there is a problem with finance, particularly since the gay population is about 12%. This might be
enhanced by it being an instruction manual. Since it is serious political comment (which often makes bad comedy) it might have a market for that reason alone. New
ventures take a long while to accept, so this film is in difficulties this way too. I would accept any offer of an American company to film this, provided its board of
directors were assasinated. It is a reflection on revolution, propaganda and the social systems that go with it. The film includes discussions of Russian history, its political
system and Russian Orthodox doctrine. Russians may object that I was external to the Soviet system, and I am ignorant of Russian history, culture, society and its political
system so that Russians would regard that I have no right to comment. Russian society is of interest to us all. I am expressing my opinion in that context. A deformity is its
centralisation. Specifically libertarian in the October Revolution, I estimate the trend today is in the reverse. Wishing to release the human spirit in ways that authoritarians
find objectionable, I state my case. I do not wish expressions of gay sex to be interpreted as an allegory of hate. Ignorant as I am of Russian literature, this love might be
underlined by quotes which relate to classic Russian encounters. I wish to introduce the subversive idea that we may love Vadim Putin in ways as an authoritarian he would
not wish me to express.
Plot: In a competion like the Eurovision Song Contest, Vadim Putin is fucked by the leaders of the Soviet Union from Lenin to Yeltsin. In a peliminary interview
on a relaxed arm chair, Putin is asked whether he feels nervous. He is asked what he thinks of Joseph Stalin, who is a bit of an anaconda. The sequence is decided
by selecting balls like the National Lottery. A breezy female presenter introduces each fuck, where the competitors describe what they want Putin to do. Afterwards
she interviews patriarchs of the Russian Orthodox Church about what they think of the performances. Occasionally there are action replays. Finally the presenter
invites the viewers to vote. Joseph Stalin wins, and Putin does a final repeat with the winner. The film closes with a large crowd in a vast auditorium cheering.
Film type: Serious.
I need to work out whether female porn is Wuthering Heights and Lady Chattersley's Lover. It is probably about intimacy, and all good porn should be about this.
A lesbian couple, F1 a Lebanese christian and F2 a Jewish progressive are shown in natural surroundings in a relationship that works. The film starts with F1 naked
and dressing to the music of Mozart. They have a dog Skippy, converse with a neighbour and take it for a walk.
Film type: Comedy horror.
Film type: Serious, then satire.
Plot: The first one third of the film is a natural account of lads playing football. One goes to football management school, where he is taught about transfer fees.
The comedy appears half way through. In a class, a football is described as a square object with rollers underneath. A conference in Singapore discusses 'What
is a football?'. A Saudi prince buys up all the world's football stadiums, and is advised by an accountant to turn them into car parks. A man and his son enter the
world's first football car park, buying a football T-shirt and a football - a square object with rollers underneath.
Film type: Comedy then tragedy.
Plot: The component moves from one society to another, where he becomes an invalid object. Driven insane, he runs out screaming into the street and is knocked
over by a bus.
Film type: Serious.
Plot: An exploration of the family life and customs of a Reform Jewish family through three generations. In each of the three stages a grandmother dies and leaves
a shawl to her daughter. The daughter repairs the shawl. Finally the shawl contains no material of the original shawl, but is still the same shawl.
Film type: Documentary. U is an asylum seeker. An early document about him is in the Politics and Human Rights section.
Plot: I want to show him in his own words and his life story, both as himself and interspersed with this story from his friends. I want the audience to know what it is to
be a devout Muslim, the persecution that asylum seekers face, the fortitude and calm that Islam gives to someone persecuted because of this, the reactions and support
in love of the community around him, both Muslim and non Muslim, and his occasional triumphs after much struggle against the system that is confining him despite
the attempts to drive him into destitution.
Film type: Tragedy.
Plot: At the end of one of his plays, Euripides is proclaimed by others, and knows himself, that he is the greatest tragedean of all time. Facing his own death, he declares
himself a god, and despite the urgings of others, he ascends a volcano to defy God himself, to his certain and horrible death.